I Hate It Here

Pearl (via sherunsfromdarkness)

I recently found out that an old friend of mine that I had a falling out with was telling people that I was faking depression as an excuse for stupid things I’d done, and that I was just “sad” about things, among a lot of other really shitty things they were saying about me. 

Do some people fake depression? Maybe. I don’t know why. I know I’m sure as hell not. When I was reading the new Hyperbole and a Half post and she said “You don’t want to kill yourself…” I finished in my head with “You just want to be dead.” Lo and behold, that was her next line. It’s impossible to describe to people without them becoming scared. It’s impossible to think about without becoming scared yourself. People are sad when family members die, or when pets are put to sleep. Actual clinical depression? That’s not being “sad.” 

The last real serious depressive episode I had, I did everything I could to fight back. I saw therapists, I upped my medication, I did everything that I had the power to do to fight it. And still every day was a struggle. I lost 30-40 pounds because I couldn’t eat. I was almost hospitalized because I passed out at school and they couldn’t rouse me right away. Every night that I went to sleep, I just didn’t want to wake up. Yes, sadness is a component, but it’s an all-consuming darkness that you don’t know how to light up. What really bothers me is that the person calling me “sad” isn’t uneducated about ableism or mental disorders. They know better.

So next time you hear someone claim that someone doesn’t have depression and they’re not that person’s therapist or psychiatrist, think about how my “sadness” almost killed me. No matter how much you might trust the source, they’re still just one side of the story. Start questioning those sources. Challenge this kind of ableism. Think about all the dead kids that can’t get help anymore. Think about all the people that could be better if people didn’t just think they were “sad.” I didn’t get help, real help, until I was 24 because of the shame I got from my own family. Good thing I did, too. Because, no exaggeration, without that help, I’d be in a box right now, just another number, just another person who people thought were “sad.”

(via neutralangel)

I don’t know why but I’ve seen a lot of downplaying of depression on tumblr, as if it’s not a “real” mental health issue because it’s not other mental health issues. And it needs to stop. I’m really tired of the one upping of each other in the community of being sick. Your illnesses should not be compared to my illnesses in a way that trivializes or negates them as if your suffering means I’m not. Unfortunately there’s an infinite amount of sadness in the world so that someone else being sick doesn’t mean you can’t also be sick. The CDC estimated in 2009 that nearly one million people attempted suicide due to depression. Depression isn’t “just” anything and anyone suffering or struggling with any illness deserves your support. (via supersoygrrrl)

I wrote the first reply to this last night, but it was late and, as narcissistic as it sounds, I think what I wrote is fairly important and I want more people to see it. Not the stuff about me necessarily, but the rest because I think too often on tumblr and the internet in general, we take people at their word and we shouldn’t. We need to start dissecting sources and reviewing claims. Extraordinary claims should require extraordinary evidence. Sometimes it’s just lying about inconsequential things, like the kind of car they have. Other times, like in my case, they lie about something serious. Everybody lies, and no one is above suspicion, no matter how great you think they are. And when someone with actual depression sees someone on here say that “Oh, this person was just sad when they did X,” they could say, “Well, I was going to get help, but I don’t want people to think I’m just sad or doing it for attention.” It’s a dangerous claim to make. People will potentially die for this kind of thing. 

And I also wanted everyone to see what Jen said. I like a lot of what I read on tumblr, but there’s also a huge oneupsmanship culture here as well. It’s never a “WELL YOU CAN’T FEEL THIS WAY BECAUSE I HAVE THIS.” It’s much more subtle and more dangerous. When someone is blogging on here about their issues, trying to overshadow them with your own post or piggybacking on their post to get attention is awful. Commiserating about problems is amazing and I think that’s one of the best things about this site and the internet in general. When my depression started 15 years ago, I was alone. I thought for awhile that everyone felt as bad as I did, then later, I thought no one felt this way. I never would have been as easily able to see someone like Allie from Hyperbole elucidate my feelings so well. If someone is blogging about their issues with mental illness, we should have more of a focus on support. Maybe they don’t want people to annoy them with offers of direct help, but maybe just be available. We need to make sure that people see a light at the end of the tunnel. We shouldn’t collapse their tunnel by silencing them with our own issues and making sure they never get heard. 

Anyway, I’m rambling again. I hope you’ve read all this, because it’s been on my mind since I heard that I was just “sad.” I’m no more sad than a kid with dyslexia is lazy. But using that kind of ableist and silencing language, that’s how you’re going to make them feel, and they aren’t going to want to get help, or know that help is available. Don’t worry about me now. 29-year-old Matt is doing ok and has plenty of resources when he isn’t. But 17-year-old Matt was days away from putting a bullet in his brain. He had a plan. Without intervention, he’d have been dead for 12 years now. Think about him. 

Pearl (via sherunsfromdarkness)

I recently found out that an old friend of mine that I had a falling out with was telling people that I was faking depression as an excuse for stupid things I’d done, and that I was just “sad” about things, among a lot of other really shitty things they were saying about me. 

Do some people fake depression? Maybe. I don’t know why. I know I’m sure as hell not. When I was reading the new Hyperbole and a Half post and she said “You don’t want to kill yourself…” I finished in my head with “You just want to be dead.” Lo and behold, that was her next line. It’s impossible to describe to people without them becoming scared. It’s impossible to think about without becoming scared yourself. People are sad when family members die, or when pets are put to sleep. Actual clinical depression? That’s not being “sad.” 

The last real serious depressive episode I had, I did everything I could to fight back. I saw therapists, I upped my medication, I did everything that I had the power to do to fight it. And still every day was a struggle. I lost 30-40 pounds because I couldn’t eat. I was almost hospitalized because I passed out at school and they couldn’t rouse me right away. Every night that I went to sleep, I just didn’t want to wake up. Yes, sadness is a component, but it’s an all-consuming darkness that you don’t know how to light up. What really bothers me is that the person calling me “sad” isn’t uneducated about ableism or mental disorders. They know better.

So next time you hear someone claim that someone doesn’t have depression and they’re not that person’s therapist or psychiatrist, think about how my “sadness” almost killed me. No matter how much you might trust the source, they’re still just one side of the story. Start questioning those sources. Challenge this kind of ableism. Think about all the dead kids that can’t get help anymore. Think about all the people that could be better if people didn’t just think they were “sad.” I didn’t get help, real help, until I was 24 because of the shame I got from my own family. Good thing I did, too. Because, no exaggeration, without that help, I’d be in a box right now, just another number, just another person who people thought were “sad.”